How the liberals stole Christmas (or) A visit from St. Dick
By Kevin Horrigan ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH Sunday, Dec. 11 2005
Twas the month before Christmas
And as I lit candles,
Conservatives stirred -
They were onto a scandal.
"They want to kill Christmas!"
Came the cry from the right:
"They want to axe Bethlehem
And O! Holy Night!
"They're after the Christ child
And Joseph and Mary
And shepherds and wise men;
These liberals are scary."
Who? I said. Who
Is behind these cruel plots?
"Well, we're not really sure,
But we heard it on Fox.
"Fox fair and balanced;
Esteemed, and most highly.
We're not really sure -
It was prob'ly O'Reilly."
So I grabbed the remote
And clicked over to Fox
And there snarled O'Reilly.
(Imagine my shock):
"The liberals, the commies,
The A.C.L.U.
They want to steal Christmas
From me and from you.
They say 'Happy Holidays'
And acknowledge the Jews
By throwing in Hannukah."
I was really confused.
"And what's this with Kwanzaa?"
The O'Reilly elf said.
"Some guy made it up,
Made it up from whole cloth.
And somewhere the pagans
Are worshipping trees
And Muslims turn eastward
On rugs on their knees."
"The Democrats did it,"
He said with a roar.
"It was Kerry and Biden
And Clinton and Gore."
And then with a smirk
He fired heavy artillery:
"If you want my opinion,
I bet it was Hillary."
I sat there in silence,
Stunned in my jammies.
My pulse was just racing
My hands were all clammy.
Who can save Christmas
From plots so barbaric
That turn Jesus' birthday
To a season generic?
What will happen to Christmas?
Should I recycle my creche?
And toss out John's gospel
'Bout Word become flesh?
Should I toss out the angels?
They could get me arrested.
I was, lo, sore afraid
And my soul greatly tested.
Who will save Christmas?
George W. Bush?
Who will save Christmas
When shove comes to push?
We could call the Marines
But they've all been assigned.
This disaster needs FEMA.
Oh . . . never mind.
Then I heard a weird jingling
From somewhere in back
And grabbed for the pistol
I'm licensed to pack.
I pulled back the slide
And quick chambered a round
And yelled out "Freeze dirtbag!
Don't dare make a sound!"
The guy, he was balding
And wore a blue suit.
He was driving a pickup
That said "Brown & Root."
His eyes they were squinting,
His voice, slightly nervous
Said, "Richard B. Cheney.
I'm here, at your service."
I was stunned at the sight
Of the man who's the veep.
And I thought I was dreaming,
In some weird right-wing sleep.
I heard him cough softly
Then say, "It's not fiction.
"First Comet is venison.
"And next I'll shoot Vixen."
"I killed off the reindeer,"
He softly exhaled.
"And I sent Santa off
To a black CIA jail.
This secular nonsense,
We'll end it, right quick.
I've got other priorities
Or my name's not St. Dick."
He said, "Christmas's really
Just all about loot
You can stuff in your bag
And then dis-t'-ri-bute
To friends and to donors
And pals who are cronies,
It's not about children
Or Democrat phonies.
"The trick that I've learned,"
St. Dick said like a Scrooge,
"Is avoiding the blame.
Instead, get you a stooge,
So the stooge takes the heat
As you make dead certain
That the goodies pile up
Inside Halliburton."
"So we'll blame it on liberals,
And commies and gays.
We'll blame it on Democrats
And folks who don't pray."
We've got Bill O'Reilly
To stir up the base
While we haul all our loot
To an undisclosed place."
Then he turned with a wink,
Jumped back into his pickup.
He nodded his head
And then said with a hiccup:
"I'll tell you one thing
Gives me great satisfaction:
'The liberals stole Christmas'
Is a dandy distraction."
Monday, December 12, 2005
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4 comments:
See, http://www.holmencourier.com/articles/2003/11/08/opinion/01letters.txt
I love what this says. I celebrate CHRISTmas, speak English and love the USA. What about you?
Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????
Think about it!
All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?
I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone..............we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings.
It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?
We've gone so far the! other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.
This says it all! This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he?
Merry Xmas! Heh! Heh! That aught to piss these bastards off.
I spent 6 years on active duty defending our country from the type of government we have now. Don't that bite bigtime?
"I believe in one God, Creator of the universe.... That the most acceptable service we can render Him is doing good to His other children.... As to Jesus ... I have ... some doubts as to his divinity; though it is a question I do not dogmatize upon, having never studied it, and think it needless to busy myself with it now, when I expect soon an opportunity of knowing the truth with less trouble." - Benjamin Franklin (Alice J. Hall, "Philosopher of Dissent: Benj. Franklin," National Geographic, Vol. 148, No. 1, July, 1975, p. 94.)
"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we called it the word of a demon, than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness, that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind." - Thomas Paine (The Age of Reason, 1794-1795.)
Every man "ought to be protected in worshipping the Deity according to the dictates of his own conscience." - George Washington (Letter to the United Baptist Churches in Virginia in May, 1789)
"Question with boldness even the existence of a god." - Thomas Jefferson (letter to Peter Carr, 10 August 1787)
"When a Religion is good, I conceive it will support itself; and when it does not support itself, and God does not take care to support it so that its Professors are obliged to call for help of the Civil Power, it is a sign, I apprehend, of its being a bad one." - Benjamin Franklin (from a letter to Richard Price, October 9, 1780;)
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of... Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all."- Thomas Paine (The Age of Reason, 1794-1795.)
"Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error
all over the earth." - Thomas Jefferson (Notes on Virginia, 1782; from George Seldes, ed., The Great Quotations, Secaucus, New Jersey: Citadel Press, 1983, p. 363.)
"During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution." - James Madison (Memorial and Remonstrance against Religious Assessments, 1785.)
"Where do we find a precept in the Bible for Creeds, Confessions, Doctrines and Oaths, and whole carloads of other trumpery that we find religion encumbered with in these days?" - John Adams
"The civil rights of none shall be abridged on account of religious belief or worship, nor shall any national religion be established, nor shall the full and equal rights of conscience be in any manner, or on any pretence, infringed.'' - James Madison (Original wording of the First Amendment; Annals of Congress 434 (June 8, 1789).)
"As the Government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Musselmen; and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries." - (Treaty of Tripoli, 1797 - signed by President John Adams.)
Also see Treaty of Tripoli
"As to religion, I hold it to be the indispensable duty of government to protect all conscientious protesters thereof, and I know of no other business government has to do therewith." - Thomas Paine (Common Sense, 1776.)
"It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religion but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We shall not fight alone. God presides over the destinies of nations." - Patrick Henry
"That religion, or the duty we owe to our Creator, and the manner of discharging it, can be directed only by reason and conviction, not by force or violence; and therefore all men are equally entitled to the free exercise of religion, according to the dictates of conscience." - Patrick Henry (Virginia Bill of Rights, June 12, 1776.)
I share Mr. King's pain. It does bite.
Orve, one of the reason's that you're never in doubt, but often wrong is that you don't read Virgil's posts before you comment.
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