Why pretend to care about that Constitution all of a sudden?
Because yelling, "I'm fixing to fire off a few rounds 'cause a damned Colored is in the White House!" lacks a certain charm and seems to rile the Socialists® who care about other people's feelings in the Lamestream™ media. HELPFUL HINT: Also sidestep expressly mentioning sedition, regicide or anything involving live ammunition, as these more candid remarks may result in your family’s Christian prayers for the violent deaths of Democrats being rudely interrupted by the busybodies at the Secret Service.
Does pretending to care about the Constitution entitle me to do more fun, Timothy-McVeigh-style antics than when I pretend to care about other stuff like, say, our troops -- or reality?
I'm glad you asked! The Constitution is as close to the Bible as the secular world gets: Full of persnickety rules, but without the gusty encouragements to murder people. As such, any time you purport to protect the Constitution, even your most crass, selfish remark is miraculously cloaked in civic selflessness. As any Christian (or Muslim) fundamentalists can tell you: The higher the calling you can claim, the lower the tactics you can use! Telling people you are compelled by the Constitution (or the Fatherland or the one True Faith®), leaves you free to ignore laws that get in your way -- or pesky elections that didn’t go your way! Glory!
Which parts of the Constitution should I pretend to care about most?
Frankly, the very question reeks of Intellectual Elite™ curiosity and its nefarious liberal-lovin’ cousin: facts. Let’s just say this: not the parts George W. Bush violated for 8 years (e.g., Search and Seizure, Fourth Amendment, and Habeas Corpus, Article One, Section 9) without even a decaf chamomile teabag being flung. If pressed, simply employ a time-tested GOP response to any inconvenient inquiry: Obfuscation by accusation! Try this: “You’re not familiar enough with the Constitution to IMMEDIATELY know what dang parts I’m out here screeching about instead of more candidly (and pettily) carping about losing an election? You ain’t no Real American™ -- libtard!” Pepper the sky with spittle bullets if the nosy liberal dares to ask a follow-up question.
Which parts of the Constitution should I not bother pretending to care about?
Ignoring articles and amendments to the Constitution is an enormous time-saver to the teabagger on the go! Since most Americans have never read the document (and most often confuse it with the Declaration of Independence or any number of bromides slapped on bumpers or needlepointed on pillows), you will enjoy great leeway in this regard. But every Sarah-Palin-loving, catchphrase-spouting True Christian™ will want to make a point of ignoring these really inconvenient parts:
Establishment Clause of the First Amendment.This thoroughly annoying passage “technically” prohibits Congress from requiring every man, woman and child in the land to flatter Jesus, as the poor, insecure thing has quite shamelessly demanded. As a constitutional scholar at Bob Jones University told me, “Unless it's the Second Amendment, where the Founding Fathers told us to take assault rifles to the movie theater, only an activist judge would enforce the Constitution, a pile of secular bullcrap written by a pack of Jesus-denying Theists! Betty, did you know that Thomas Jefferson called the Bible a 'dung hill'?” Honestly, if any clause of the Constitution calls out for a loud and hearty “la la la la la la I CAN’T HEAR YOU!,” it’s this one!
The Equal Protection Clause The Fourteenth Amendment, rammed down America’s throat in fleeting post-war guilt over the alleged nuisance of having to be a slave, is now providing a toehold for pushy, rights-obsessed homosexuals to slip their expensive Italian shoes through the carefully guarded door to equal rights. Remember: When folks we don't like want the same rights we enjoy, we call them "special rights" -- because we are so darn special. Gals, save a few la-las for this Amendment!
“No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States” Article VI, Section 3. Of course, asking “You ain’t no Muslamic are you, boy?” before administering an oath of office isn’t a test; it’s simply a pointed inquiry.
The appalling fact that Jesus isn’t mentioned in the entire Constitution -- not even once! But, frankly, what do you expect from “men” who wrote books, wore wigs and enjoyed sliding on silk stockings? They can't all be Sean Hannity!
Sixteenth AmendmentThe most anti-Tea Party garbage in the whole Constitution, this amendment allows Congress (technically, the "Representation" part in "No Taxation Without Representation!") to levy an income tax without apportioning it among the states or basing it on Census results. This Amendment is completely inconsistent with almost every Tea Party sign and, ispo facto, void. Give thanks for the miracles that are possible when you aren't fettered by so-called reality! Praise the Lord and pass the bullhorn!
"Everything that goes into defense costs us about a trillion dollars a year, most of which goes into fighting the Russians in 1978. Fighter planes for all those dog fights we get into with the Taliban, submarines to foil their evil plot to blow up our ships with car bombs, and space lasers to shoot down their exploding underpants...scream about handouts, this is what they should be protesting."
“Doctors are reasonable people” "Senate hopeful Sue Lowden’s plan for Healthcare reform is to barter chickens for medical procedures. But you may be unsure how many chickens are required for your medical care. This handy calculator converts many common procedures into chickens so you won’t look like an idiot at your next Doctor’s Appointment."
"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary... It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguished in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. "
Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best ChristianPRAYER WARRIOR ALERT: Man your prayer circles, Baptist busybodies everywhere! It looks as if California's Mormon Prop 8 is going down in flames – the flames of Hell! 4 out of 5 Christian fundamentalist divorcees agree: “We aren’t about to sit around and let happy homosexuals ruin our next several marriages!” Write to... your Republican Senator and demand that your Constitutional right to tell a stranger how to live his personal life must remain stronger than even your fragrance!
Closing arguments concluded Wednesday afternoon in the Proposition 8 trial with more pointed questions from U.S. District Judge Vaughn R. Walker, who is presiding over the landmark proceedings to determine the constitutionality of California’s ban on gay marriage. When court...
When despair for the world grows in me ... I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. - Wendell Berry, from his poem "The Peace of Wild Things"
On September 11, 1857, 120 "gentiles" from Arkansas, including friends and probably kin of Clan Snoddy, were slaughtered by Mormon fanatics, led by John Doyle Lee, Brigham Young's son and brother-in-law. The Mountain Meadows massacre has been called "one of the worst mass murders in American history."
“A large party of Mormons, painted and tricked out as Indians, overtook the train of emigrant wagons some three hundred miles south of Scaption Lake City, and made an attack. But the emigrants threw up earthworks, made fortresses of their wagons, and defended themselves gallantly and successfully for five days! . At the end of the five days the Mormons tried military strategy. They retired to the upper end of the ‘Meadows,’ resumed civilized apparel, washed off their paint, and then, heavily armed, drove down in wagons to the beleaguered emigrants, bearing a flag of truce! When the emigrants saw white men coming they threw down their guns and welcomed them with cheer after cheer. . and were promptly slaughtered en masse, excepting only a few of the many children-those under the age of seven-deemed too young to ‘tell tales.’” Mark Twain in Roughing It
Tonto means "fool" in Spanish, but that’s not where his name cam from. Tonto is a Potowatomie word as is meaning "wild one." Kemosabe means "faithful friend" or "trusty scout" in the same language.
Neither Tonto nor his companion John Ried, the Lone Ranger, were fools. In fact, both were very bright. Still, as in all relationships, there were communication breakdowns. These three were the most infamous:
Once, Tonto, not realizing that the Lone Ranger was disguised as a cigarette, stomped his butt.
Later, Tonto, not realizing that the Lone Ranger was disguised as a pool table, racked his balls.
In another incident, Tonto, not realizing that the Lone Ranger was disguised as a wall, plastered his crack.
Sen. Tom Coburn, (Rep.Oklahoma) warned folks not to let themselves be biased by Fox News. He also said that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is a good person and a nice lady and that the intent of the health care bill is not to put people in jail. See, Coburn says Pelosi is nice lady. On the downside, "At a time when so many Americans are losing their housing, it is surprising to discover that some members of Congress are lucky enough to have a landlord that charges below market rent for fairly luxurious accommodations - and offers housekeeping and meal service to boot," Melanie Sloan. It wasn't real smart to take on Rachael Maddow either. "Maddow began by disputing Coburn's claim that extending unemployment benefits is merely a matter of pity. "Paying unemployment benefits isn't just a 'nice' thing to do," she explained calmly. 'It's one of the single most economically stimulative things that government can spend money on. ... Keeping unemployment benefits going is a no-brainer.'
Maddow then turned to portraying Coburn as a hypocrite who 'has objected to the Senate passing an extension of unemployment benefits ... on the ostensibly principled basis that these benefits are not explicitly paid for. ... Which is neat, and which would be totally principled, were it not for Senator Coburn's history of voting for plenty of things that aren't paid for. Senator Coburn has now gone -- out of the blue -- after me,' Maddow continued, 'gone after the way that I have talked about him and these problems on this show.' She quoted Coburn's attack, then commented sweetly, "Maybe he does have a point. ... I am notoriously histrionic. And he is so calm, so cool, so tranquil.'
Maddow immediately contradicted that statement with a series of clips of Coburn attempting to stir up hysterical fears over health care reform and even 'urging people to pray that a fellow senator might die, or at least be incapacitated, ahead of the health reform vote last December.' She also showed Coburn chocking up and fighting back tears when decrying 'mindless partisanship' at the confirmation hearings for Chief Justice John Roberts in 2005
'Senator, I understand you are an emotional guy,' Maddow concluded sympathetically. 'I don't begrudge you that. ... But I think you might be projecting here. I don't feel at all emotional about you. ... It's not personal. ... I am reporting on your record -- and this is what that feels like.'" Maddow shows Senator Coburn who’s really ‘acting on emotion’ By David Edwards and Muriel Kane
Pictured here are Dr. Jack Cassell and the sign on his urology shop. If I'm ever in Mount Dora Florida and have such problems I'll go to a Blue Healer.
Twenty-five coal miners were killed Monday after an explosion at the Upper Big Branch mine in West Virginia. The search for survivors was called off though four miners are still missing. Massey Energy Co., the mine owner, has been fined more than $382,000 for repeated serious violations involving its ventilation plan and equipment at the mine, according to the Associated Press. Violations include cracking and collapsing of mine walls on Feb. 21; ventilation problems on March 17, March 23 and March 30; drill dust on March 25; and inadequate air quality on March 23.
Old Lodge Skins: Today is a good day to die.Old Lodge Skins: Come out and fight! It is a good day to die! Thank You for making me a Human Being! Thank You for helpin' me to become a warrior! Thank You for my victories, and for my defeats! Thank You for my vision, and the blindness in which I saw further! You make all things and direct them in their ways, O Grandfather. And now You have decided the Human Beings will soon walk a road that leads nowhere. I am gonna die now, unless death wants to fight. And I ask You for the last time to grant me my old power to make things happen. [Lies down to die. After a moment, props himself up on his elbows to add:]
Old Lodge Skins: Take care of my son here. See that he doesn't go crazy. Old Lodge Skins: There is an endless supply of white men. There has always been a limited number of human beings.
[Grandfather, who has laid himself down to die, wakes up]
Old Lodge Skins: Am I still in this world?
Jack Crabb: Yes, Grandfather.
Old Lodge Skins: [groans] I was afraid of that. Well, sometimes the magic works. Sometimes, it doesn't.
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Tonto means "fool" in Spanish, but that’s not where his name cam from. Tonto is a Potowatomie word as is meaning "wild one." Kemosabe means "faithful friend" or "trusty scout" in the same language. 
Neither Tonto nor his companion John Ried, the Lone Ranger, were fools. In fact, both were very bright. Still, as in all relationships, there were communication breakdowns. These three were the most infamous:
Old Lodge Skins: Today is a good day to die.Old Lodge Skins: Come out and fight! It is a good day to die! Thank You for making me a Human Being! Thank You for helpin' me to become a warrior! Thank You for my victories, and for my defeats! Thank You for my vision, and the blindness in which I saw further! You make all things and direct them in their ways, O Grandfather. And now You have decided the Human Beings will soon walk a road that leads nowhere. I am gonna die now, unless death wants to fight. And I ask You for the last time to grant me my old power to make things happen. [Lies down to die. After a moment, props himself up on his elbows to add:] 
Old Lodge Skins: There is an endless supply of white men. There has always been a limited number of human beings.
