Betty Bowers Is Running for President-Exposes What Mitt Romney’s Not Telling You About The Mormon Cult

What Mitt Carefully (and Wisely) Avoided Telling Everyone about Mormonism:

The Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri. No wonder Eve came up with a ruse to get kicked out!

• Mormons believe that Jesus’ brother is Satan. We all know that’s a lie. Satan’s brother is called Jeb.
• That if you send cash to Salt Lake City now — operators are standing by to give you a fabulous gift in the afterlife — your very own planet! In other words, Mormonism is really just a real estate scam straight out of Glengarry Glen Ross. In fairness: As illusory incentives go, a whole planet is hard to top.
• Mormon men become gods. Since the Judeo-Christian God is a jealous (some would go so far as to say insecure) god, who took a dim view to the Jews worshipping other gods, one can only imagine how much it gets in His craw to have an American religion that is generating gods like a South Korean assembly line.
• Mormons believe Jesus and God are physical beings. Much like Beyonce and Diana Ross before her, they don’t go for trinities. Frankly, this must make eating out with God and Jesus far more economical. From my experience it’s always Three Beings when we’re eating, but only One when it comes time to split the check!
• God is a physical being with a real penis, which He uses. Often. Pardon the expression, but I don’t want to touch this.
• According to my copy of the The Book of Mormon (courtesy of a Marriott Hotel wastebasket), Native-American “Indians” are really Jews that came from Jerusalem by crossing the Atlantic Ocean in a boat in 600 B.C. The Atlantic, notoriously choppy in the best to weather, apparently scrambled every seafaring Jew’s DNA to make it look like they actually came from Southeast Asia! Sneaky!
• Joseph Smith was visited by the Angel Moroni, an American Indian who, perhaps in anticipation of the racist attitudes of the faith he is about to set in motion, had the good sense to appear as a white man.
• The book of Mormon was dictated by Joseph Smith as he stuffed his face into a hat containing two stones. These magical “seer stones” would be right out of Hogwarts Academy, if only they had worked. Smith had previously used them to con farmers into paying him to find buried treasure on their property. And His “translations” of Egyptian are what you would expect if Fantasia Burino translated the Iliad from Greek.
• Joseph Smith had 30 wives. Not as many as Solomon, but still a thriving personal brothel.
• 11 of Smith’ s wives, and 9 of his first 13 wives, were already married to other men. Making him the Angelina Jolie of the false-prophet set.
• You never see Mormons in porn because they can’t take off their magical undies. These magic skivvies reputedly protect the wearer from bullets, which makes it surprising that the faith isn’t more popular with the criminal set. And, speaking of unflattering outfits, in Mormon ceremonies, the men dress like Keebler elves and act out the slitting of their own throats that will occur if they tell anyone how silly their rituals make them look.
• And the biggest Mormon secret: Marie Osmond, with her multiple marriages, public breakdowns and son in rehab, is actually considered very edgy by Provo standards.
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