At the time of this writing, it is only minutes until May 21st. 2011 arrives at the International dateline in the Pacitfic, and with it the long awaited Rapture event. Perhaps the most significant event yet in human history, it is believed that as many as two hundred million naked persons will assend into the heavens, pailing manned spaceflights of the past.
It is not known whether the event will begin at midnight local time, or some later time in the day as no one knows for sure what time zone Jesus is in. Some have theorized that it will be a rolling event, perhaps beginning at noon local standard time (God's time) around the earth.
In any event, NORAD is reported to be closely monitoring its defense radar system for any sign of Jesus and has assigned extra crews in case someone falls asleep or is raptured away. Pagan crews are said to have been choosen to minimize the later risk. The FAA, for its part, is issuing flight precautions to pilots to be on the lookout for naked bodies and has indicated that if the skies become to congested it may be necessary to ground all aircraft, something that has been done only once before in aeronautical history - 911, also a relgious event of sorts.
In the mean time, the American Secular Huminist Society has expressed concern that no one who is a potential candidate for levitation should risk being left behind. If you watch FOX news regularly, are a member of the Tea Party, hate gays, have a drill baby drill sticker on your car, or a thing for Polosi, you hopefully are a potential candidate and should consider the following recomendations, according to the Society, in order to increase your chances of achieving rapture.
1) Beginning immediately, wear only light weight loose fitting clothes, loafters and no belt or suspenders.
2) Eat lightly all day and avoid any alcoholic beverages on May 21st., meth or any other drugs that Jesus may not approve off.
3) As birds of a feather may be viewed as flocking together, congregate with like minded friends and seed your environment with piles of empty clothes and play church music.
4) If you think your situation may be close, make it easier to be choosen, try tying on a few helium balloons to provide a little extra lift.
The Society admits it does not know if any of this will work but it can't hurt. For now all we can do is wait, watch and hope. If only Walter Cronkite was with us.
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http://rockhopers.blogspot.com/2011/05/law-firm-announces-rapture-suit.html
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